GO-SIN-NO-MORE

NO MORE "HOMOSEXUALITY"

Is it going to be life or death?"
The tall, bald headed, loud guy screamed as I began to playback my life's story in my head. I saw the many people I had come in contact with through the years. All of my mistakes I'd made seem to flash before my very eyes. I could taste the bitterness of hurt I felt from every hard lesson I had to learn. The thought of being disappointed time, and time again, mixed with loneliness seemed to overwhelm me. There was nothing, or no one I could turn to. I stood there speechless, in the valley of decisions, pondering the most important decision I'd ever had to make in my life. Would this decision be like the many others I had decided in the past? Could it truly satisfy and fill the void in my life that so many people, places, and things had left as empty as a hollow tree? Maybe it would be like most people's New Years resolutions- impermanent. Their intentions in the beginning are pure, and wholesome as a virgin, but after a while it's as if the commitment to the avowal was never conceived. I realized that the events of my life all lead up to this very moment, life or death. The fate of my being lay solely in my hands. The choice was mine, and I couldn't decide. What was this struggle that I felt? Part of me wanted to take the easy way out; it sought after a quick solution that promised to yield instant gratification and relief. It pleaded on its own behalf on what it felt was the right thing to do. It didn't consider consequences; neither did it regard the infinite number of situations that the choice could affect. What was this discord? There was also present this inward tug; warring against the other part of me. This was a still voice, such as a whisper. It wasn't puffed up. It was simply a faint call; with a deep lucrative yearn for my ultimate well-being. It was calm, suffered long, kind, did not envy, was not proud, it wasn't rude, it did not seek its own, it wasn't provoked, it wasn't evil, but good. What was I to do? Something had to give.

I searched through the mental map in my mind for guidance and direction. I found only that all the paths I'd taken throughout life were all gloomy and dark. It was if I was looking through a dingy crystal vase. I looked to the innocence of my childhood, and quickly remembered how it had been stolen from me at an early age. My own cousin tainted my youth. He robbed me blind, and before I knew it, my formative years were polluted, and over. He took my virtue, a desirable quality I will never know. To add insult to injury, he influenced me to crave the attention, and affection of men I admired, and fashioned myself after. He perverted my emotions and feelings toward men. Something simple as looking up to them as role models would be distorted as lustful, sexual feelings for them. It didn't help not having a male figure around growing up. The longing to hear my father say he love me caused me to fall very easily for men who told me they loved me. At some point in my existence, my elucidation of sexual intercourse was confused with being in love. As time went on I grew more, and more accustom to these vague feelings and emotions. By the time I was of the age of accountability I decided, since these feeling felt so natural, then I would identify myself as a gay man. Over time this personality became a part of me. It was who I was, and after awhile, my sexual orientation became as intrinsic as the color of my skin. Over the course of several years my strong approbation of men grew from being in love with them, to being smitten by what they could financially do for me. I'll tell you, you combine a false sense of love, with showered gifts and cash, and it'll make a happy camper out of anyone, however looking back I can't seem to find any consolation, because of the kidnapping of my upbringing.

As a result of my tarnished background, my adult life was also inconsistent. I couldn't think of one unswerving moment of it that I could cling to for help. Unfaltering I left college after a number of years, and decided I was ready for the real world. From state to state, job-to-job, through relationships one after the other, I was tossed to and fro by my instabilities. I was never satisfied. I would begin a job, and could really enjoy it, but sooner or later it wouldn't be adequate money for me. I couldn't stay happy in any relationship. They would start off great, and full of love, but after while I would be so bored with the relationship to the point whereas I hated love. Discouraged with my perplexed lifestyle the illusion of my utopian fairy tale began. From out of nowhere a character from my pass suddenly appeared, and it all began with four effortless words. 'Are you a poet?' The voice was familiar, and so I didn't hesitate to answer. I wouldn't consider myself a poet, but I do have a burning passion for the art. What started out as a straightforward question, turned into the most profound conversation I had ever engaged. Sure, I wasn't proud of the lifestyle I chose for myself, but I was highly venerated for the sophisticated men that I attracted. The dialogue went on for hours, and then for days. It was evident I had found my soul mate. Everything about this relationship would be different from all the others. This relationship contained all the essentials suitable for life partnership with someone. We were eluded by lust posing as love. He was all that mattered, so I gave him my power, to be myself, and to be free. So we packed up, and moved away to start our new life together. Everything was looking up for me. My relationship was successful, and I lived a well-established upper class life. As I rested at what felt like the peak of my life, I realized that I had never been so miserable. What was wrong with me? I was tired of the emotional roller coaster life wouldn't let me get off. Although I had everything I could ever dream, it wasn't fulfilling enough to satisfy the emptiness and incompleteness I suffered.

I want life, contentment, and peace. I want rest, and an abundance of eternal joy. I want to be filled with something that can't be defiled. I desire to lay hold of something that want disappoint me. I want a permanent change in my life. So the tall, bald headed, loud, preacher firmly plowed the gospel plow, and I gave my life to God. Immediately I was changed. I no longer was overcharged with the cares of this life. Few people can fathom the notion of being delivered and changed completely from the kind of mental damage a none- traditional domestic lifestyle yields. Today, it is my testimony that God delivered me from homosexual lifestyles, practices, habits, thoughts, feelings, and desires. Instead of falling in love with people, and things, I fell deep in love with God, and He perfected me in the love of Christ. He not only changed the way I walk, and talk, but He changed my heart. He gave me a physical change as well as an emotional change.

Humble Beginnings ...
I stand before thee, in the midst of the gray
Spirit adorned like a child with very little to say.
Quiet, meek, and mild is this new style,
As I listen and wait attentively for the awakening of your smile.
Brightest blessings I pray, fall upon me, fill me with the essence of the divine.
Purify me, wash me in the hyssop of thy truth, and instill in me the volition of thy way.
Give unto me the words acceptable to say, so that my universe is not defiled with deceitfulness, but abundantly overflowing with the beauty of thy peace.
No longer will I see life as just black or white
Up or down
Top or bottom
I humble myself to compromise.
Forgive me for habits and lessons unlearned
Show me life through the eyes of a doorman, a loyal servant.
Keep me low; keep me quiet as I seek inspiration from your blessed silence.